Mirror, mirror

   Beauty is only skin deep and she who can afford the best skin care wins!  It seems to be the mantra of my friends, and yes, I too have also been known to drop some coin on an upgraded skin care line from time to time. Today, I was in the grocery store line and was talking with the cashier/friend when I suddenly realized.....she had no idea who I was. Now granted, I had played hooky from makeup and hair, but seriously?? I thought about this all the way home and remembered a paper that I had written in college about how society views women.
   I was 34 y/o at the time I attended college so I'd like to think that at that point in my life I had a slight edge over my teen counter parts. I had life experience backing me. I was a young mom who had been married, divorced, working two jobs, going to college, and raising 3 young children, two of them girls. I felt sorry for girls having to grow up in a society that placed so much emphasis on looks, clothes, and the home that you lived in. It wasn't easy for them I'm sure. But it wasn't easy for us moms either. I remember when I was married feeling so much pressure to be the best mom, wife, and homemaker, To be honest, there were days that I felt that I had failed miserably. I like to tell myself that we ALL have those days. Don't get me wrong, a lot of this pressure I put on myself. Martha Stewart and Pamela Anderson were at the height of their careers. I wanted to be them, both of them! Who wouldn't, right? Being able to whip up a dinner on a dime for 60 of my closest friends and look like a sex kitten while doing it? Yes, yes, I want that! Except my Thanksgiving dinner never looked like the ones on the cover of Good Housekeeping and by the time the holiday dinner was ready, I was still in my robe and  in need of a shower and  makeup. I'm not even gonna mention that I don't resemble a blond Playboy Bunny. But hey, dinner is done and the turkey isn't burnt.  I fell prey to what society had dictated for me. I don't blame them, they were only trying to help me out and I was the one buying their magazines, right?
  It takes a strong and wise person to really know who they are and what is best for them and not give in to those outside influences. I truly admire those people. It's taken me a long time to come to some understanding of who I am, who I want to be, and even more importantly...what I am capable of. Besides, Martha ended up in jail and Pamela....well, Pamela has her own issues, another day, another blog. All in all, I guess I'm not doing so bad, but I would want more for my girls.
  I want my daughters to know what is best for them and not waste countless years trying to be what they think society wants them to be. My hope for my daughters as young women is not only that they find that understanding of themselves early in their lives, but realize that as they mature that their understanding of themselves grows with them. I pray that when they look in the mirror that they see past the beauty in the reflection, and see their true beauty within. I hope that they see their strength, character, and integrity. I hope they see all the beauty that I saw the first moment that I laid eyes on them.

Starting over....again

  At 51 I have "started over" more times than I care to count. New homes, relationships, and jobs. I have vowed more than a couple of times to start that new diet and exercise routine, be more efficient at handling my time and finances, be a better mom, friend, boss, daughter, and over all person......all on Monday. So it's Sunday night and I figure I might as well eat 3 cupcakes tonight since tomorrow morning starts a new life void of anything as good as a cupcake. Then Monday morning rolls around, I overslept cuz ya know, it's my day off and I'm allowed...and it all rolls downhill from there. But...there's always next Monday. 
  I have always had this ideal of myself. I am successful. I am financially and physically fit. I am fun and people love to be in my company. My friends and family adore me. Oh, and I live in a beautifully inviting home with a well maintained yard where I host fun and festive parties. I am grace under pressure and I always know the proper things to say at any given time.....OK...so that's how I see it, why is that not the way that it is? After all, I know plenty of other people who live this charmed life. After a lot of soul searching I think I have uncovered some things about myself that for whatever reason  have remained hidden to me until now. Ah yes, my ah ha moment. I know that by nature, I am a procrastinator and a perfectionist....a debilitating combination. If it's not perfect...I'll wait...and wait....and wait until it is perfect, and that day my friends, never comes. I mean, what would people think if I made a mistake?I know that I am also someone who gets bored quickly and looses interest even quicker....two more qualities that combined with the first two means that if I do venture to take that first step, chances are that I'll bore of it all before I make it to the finish line.
 So, what to do....First of all, I am not going to be so hard on myself and try to know my limits and be ok with them. It really is OK if it's not perfect. I am also going to challenge myself to take more risks. I have decided to enlist a few friends to hold me accountable, follow a to-do list, dig deeper and work harder.  I'm gonna make myself feel better about myself by making others feel better about themselves. I'm going to use those personality traits that before seemed negative and suck the positive right out of them. And for God's sake, I'm gonna get the hell out of my own way. I'll strive to be a better person and to challenge myself to step out of my own comfort zone. It doesn't matter how many times it takes as long as I keep trying. Every day is a new day and another chance to start over and I am starting over, again, but this time.......on a Tuesday!